All Carrot Peeler Mans Go To Heaven

"keep going until all you have left are some really good fries."



an article


rest in peace, favorite thing about new york.

file under: Time Capsule 2010

My predictions for 2020. (time capsule to be buried in an insulated pizza delivery bag at the foot of Machu Picchu in 2010.)
2020 will be just like the show 20/20 except people will be able to brush their teeth with lasers and in pizza shops instead of individually placing pepperonies, they will have a pepperoni gun that does it. everything else will be the same except rollerblades will be automatic (you will not have to move your legs) and there will only be one kind of dogs - the dog kind.
oh yeah, and carrot top will probably still be trying to be funny really hard, but they will call him "carrot old" by then because he will be old.
also, no one will get my 20/20 joke.

if you would like to contribute your predictions to my time capsule, please send it to an email.

News

PART ONE.
Congratulations to Barack Obama, who has won the President Award. Thank you all for voting, but to be honest with you, this was possible mostly because his grandma was a ghost and helped him.

PART TWO.
I am sure you have heard the news that Michael Crichton Creator of Jurassic Parks 1, 2, and 3 has passed away, which is unfortunate news for everyone on this earth. However, now I feel as though the need to continue the JP Legacy is even more imperative. We cannot let JP die in a gutter, riddled with cancer, just like The Land Before Time did after a mere 12 sequels.
The writing of Jurassic Parks 6-20* is going to be placed on the front burner that is my stove of movies to write. other movies on the list are The Third Degree, a movie about two temperamental burn victims living together in an apartment while going to college to get their 2nd Master's Degrees (get it) or they already have a Master's and are going back for law school or something. but they are mostly in bad moods all the time because they don't have eyebrows. and also a movie about a frog and a hamster that live in a cage together and get on each other's nerves.

*I have already written detailed screenplays for 4 & 5.

Philip Seymour Hoffman played the voice of the dad in Land Before Time X (10). I am going to see about getting him to play the voice of a dad in one of my Jurassic Parks that I am writing. He is probably the best in his field.

Egyptians Worshipped Cats. (Obviously.)

text message

I'm going to write to my congressman to see if we can get more of these. I, for one, am sick and tired of boring clouds.

Google is Half-assed

I think many of us will agree that Google's special logos have been a little half-assed lately. Have a look at this one, which was up yesterday in honor of the 3rd day of the Olympics.


Never would I have imagined Google to have stooped so low as to have a nondescript monkey on gymnastics rings as its logo. Upon first sight of it, I thought that I had mistakenly gone to www.dogpile.com, nobody's favorite search engine.
For starters, they could have made it more clever and witty, by at least using a Chinese animal, such as a monkey with Chinese eyes, or a fortune cookie. This monkey looks like it should be an iron-on on the butt of some shorts being sold at Contempo Casuals.

Another example is this one from Mother's Day:

Google has started putting things in place of the letter G that are not shaped like a G! I am furious about it. A retarded white tiger could find something shaped like a G to put there for Mother's Day.

Keep it up Google, and we'll all switch back to Blackle, the unsuccessful attempt of Google to make a black Google.