POWER POINTS

princess and the frog: zero stars - SPOILER ALERT

2010-03-29T15:20:00.002-04:00

The Princess and the Frog is about these 2 black frogs who travel around the swamp with an unsuccessful alligator while he is constantly scatting to some jazz music. they get lost and all eat jambalaya together. then a drunk homeless lightning bug helps them but then he dies when Prince steps on him because someone stole his necklace. then the frogs turn into human people when they get married, due to a tax loophole. then hurricane katrina comes and ruins everything. which is not in the movie but everyone knows that.

All Carrot Peeler Mans Go To Heaven

2009-02-03T20:26:00.003-05:00

"keep going until all you have left are some really good fries."

an article

rest in peace, favorite thing about new york.

file under: Time Capsule 2010

2009-01-09T15:07:00.004-05:00

My predictions for 2020. (time capsule to be buried in an insulated pizza delivery bag at the foot of Machu Picchu in 2010.)
2020 will be just like the show 20/20 except people will be able to brush their teeth with lasers and in pizza shops instead of individually placing pepperonies, they will have a pepperoni gun that does it. everything else will be the same except rollerblades will be automatic (you will not have to move your legs) and there will only be one kind of dogs - the dog kind.
oh yeah, and carrot top will probably still be trying to be funny really hard, but they will call him "carrot old" by then because he will be old.
also, no one will get my 20/20 joke.

if you would like to contribute your predictions to my time capsule, please send it to an email.

News

2008-11-06T20:31:00.004-05:00

PART ONE.
Congratulations to Barack Obama, who has won the President Award. Thank you all for voting, but to be honest with you, this was possible mostly because his grandma was a ghost and helped him.

PART TWO.
I am sure you have heard the news that Michael Crichton Creator of Jurassic Parks 1, 2, and 3 has passed away, which is unfortunate news for everyone on this earth. However, now I feel as though the need to continue the JP Legacy is even more imperative. We cannot let JP die in a gutter, riddled with cancer, just like The Land Before Time did after a mere 12 sequels.
The writing of Jurassic Parks 6-20* is going to be placed on the front burner that is my stove of movies to write. other movies on the list are The Third Degree, a movie about two temperamental burn victims living together in an apartment while going to college to get their 2nd Master's Degrees (get it) or they already have a Master's and are going back for law school or something. but they are mostly in bad moods all the time because they don't have eyebrows. and also a movie about a frog and a hamster that live in a cage together and get on each other's nerves.

*I have already written detailed screenplays for 4 & 5.

2008-10-25T12:46:00.004-04:00

Philip Seymour Hoffman played the voice of the dad in Land Before Time X (10). I am going to see about getting him to play the voice of a dad in one of my Jurassic Parks that I am writing. He is probably the best in his field.

Egyptians Worshipped Cats. (Obviously.)

2008-09-21T14:26:00.005-04:00

text message

2008-09-09T23:33:00.004-04:00

I'm going to write to my congressman to see if we can get more of these. I, for one, am sick and tired of boring clouds.

Google is Half-assed

2008-08-14T16:14:00.009-04:00

I think many of us will agree that Google's special logos have been a little half-assed lately. Have a look at this one, which was up yesterday in honor of the 3rd day of the Olympics.

Never would I have imagined Google to have stooped so low as to have a nondescript monkey on gymnastics rings as its logo. Upon first sight of it, I thought that I had mistakenly gone to www.dogpile.com, nobody's favorite search engine.
For starters, they could have made it more clever and witty, by at least using a Chinese animal, such as a monkey with Chinese eyes, or a fortune cookie. This monkey looks like it should be an iron-on on the butt of some shorts being sold at Contempo Casuals.

Another example is this one from Mother's Day:

Google has started putting things in place of the letter G that are not shaped like a G! I am furious about it. A retarded white tiger could find something shaped like a G to put there for Mother's Day.

Keep it up Google, and we'll all switch back to Blackle, the unsuccessful attempt of Google to make a black Google.

Many More Things are Named Gandalf Than You Realize

2008-04-24T22:33:00.007-04:00

You may remember earlier this week when I blogged about gandalf's blog. well, thanks to joey, there is another type of gandalf that I'm going to tell you about. gandalf, the music band. not to be confused with the three other bands named gandalf. I'm talking about this one:

It is very good. check it out in your free time. (If you live in the USA, all time is free time.) You will like it if you like wizards, lords of the rings, or lords of the rings 2.

A quick google search also proves that lots of people are naming cats gandalf. I masterminded a poll about this hot topic*. please do it, it is for my files.

*I used the term "hot topic" only as a means of generating more teen traffic to my blog.

Pepperoni

2008-04-21T22:11:00.003-04:00

Today there was free pepperoni at work. This is important because it happened directly after I was daydreaming about pepperoni sandwiches. (cheese as the breads, pepperonies as the pepperoni)

also,
suggested reading: gandalf's blog. (there is a section called "Bits and Bobs" that is especially endearing)

Time Seeds

2008-04-02T23:25:00.007-04:00

I wanted to plant thyme, to be funny, but the seed store did not have thyme seeds (note: try to invent Time Seeds), so instead I planted: sweet peppers, sugar snap peas (which is a type of peas), basil, lavender, snapdragons, and salad, and they are currently crowded around my two windows waiting, like little CEOs waiting for an elevator, for the sun that is going to come tomorrow. I made several contraptions involving hooks, twine, peanut butter jars, laughing gas, flame-throwers, pulleys, ...you know. terrarium shit. you have to be creative when you only have two windows and 13 plants, seven of which are still in nature's womb (home depot soil).

It looks like a dirt collection, which I am ok with because that seems like kind of a quirky and charming thing to collect. And speaking of collections, please let me know ASAP if anyone has found a place to buy tiny plastic cats.

2008-02-27T00:59:00.000-05:00

I ordered pink moccasins from target.com. Sitting Bull is rolling around in his grave/mound.

Movie Review: The Passion of Joan of Arc

2008-01-19T17:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I went to see The Passion of Joan of Arc at the movie screen. It was re-constructed from the Bloopers after the original copy got all burnt up in a fire. The movie starts off pretty good. It is about 90% Joan of Arc crying with her eyes really big, and the rest percent is her crying with her eyes closed. (see below)

So then, these guys try to make Joan of Arc sign this paper, and then her eyes get big and she starts crying. I'm not sure if it was because she was happy or sad. The intertitles (a sophisticated kind of subtitles) were in a different language, but it didn't look like a real language. it looked like a panda mashed the keyboard with his front legs. so I wasn't sure what the paper said. So then Joan of Arc gets a new haircut and starts crying (again!!!!), and then the janitor comes in and throws away her hat, and then she gets really excited/sad(???) because she thinks that he's Jesus, but then he just acts all confused and leaves the room - probably to go throw the hat in the dumpster. I'm not sure what that was all about. I give this movie 4 stars. rent it immediately.